How to start swinging

7 steps to help beginners successfully get into the swinger lifestyle 

Sexy couple embracing.

Swinging – how it can spice up your relationship, and deepen your love at the same time !

First time swinging – here’s how to get started

(try to always keep these 7 key guidelines in mind)

1. Talk – a lot !
2. Set the rules – boundaries that each of you want to keep to for now
3. Do your research
4. Join one of the best online swinging communities – like SDC or SpicyMatch
5. Start with baby steps !
6. Go to a club or party
7. Don’t have expectations about what will happen to you – swinging wise !

1. Talking about swinging

Bringing up the topic can be a dangerous subject to broach with your partner. Will they think that you don´t like them enough and need more than them to find happiness ? 

Watching porn together is a good way to explore the topic – what turns you both on, what stirs feelings between you, what would make you feel jealous if your partner was doing it, etc. This allows you to have a discussion in a sexy space without any pressure.

We’re not sure how common this is but we do know a swinging couple and she says she gets turned off by porn, not on ! REALLY ! Well as it turns out she thought she didn’t like to see it, but actually after being in a sexy atmosphere, or watching something reluctantly, they both had incredible sex. So subliminally it was affecting her – is that weird. No probably not because she was brought up in a very old fashioned way where sex was not talked about. So think about how it’s best to approach the subject, before, during and after. Don’t expect results immediately. Have patience. And look out for, and after each other. This will be an incredible journey for you both and the rewards are HUGE.


Common Swinging stories

In general it is the man that first suggests the idea of swinging (it is far more rare to hear a man say ´my wife wants to swing´ at the beginning), but what is surprising is that once a couple start swinging it is generally the woman that takes control and drives it forwards.



I suppose our group is pretty typical (almost). One of us started when the woman wanted to have investigate her bi-curious side. Now this is quite common because the FFM also feels like a safer start for the relationship – a little less threatening than having another couple involved. It could be a single man that you want to add to your relationship too.



Getting the right single man is not easy as the majority are quite intrusive. Oh but there are many gorgeous respectful guys out there and we are trying to help them come forward through metimeyoutime too !


Swinging with friends

Finally, another, but slightly more risky scenario is one that we have lived out too  – starting swinging with friends. If it works it feels like a natural progression, a safe bet – but be warned. If you are all starting out swinging it can be pretty up and down and you don’t want to lose friends on top – so take it from us – this is a risky way to start out unless you want a steep learning curve. Still, we’re all here still in the swinging world and all the better for the developing experiences. Didn’t Mark Twain say something about adventures are something you look back on, they don’t ever feel like adventures when you’re in the middle of them !


Start strong…

So you can see that it is vital that your relationship is strong and healthy if you are even considering swinging. If you had a poor /rocky relationship and decided to have a baby “to help repair it”, people would think you were crazy. It´s the same with swinging – it is an accelerant i.e. if you have a strong relationship it will generally make it even stronger & better, but if you have a fractured relationship it will almost certainly ruin it. Often, outsiders think that swingers must have terrible relationships & that is why they “have” to swing –  but the opposite is actually true and the relationships are mostly strong, well developed, and very successful.

… and keep talking

Communication with your partner, is probably THE most important part of swinging. I guess this is why it makes relationships stronger. You have be very aware how each other is doing so have a chat before you do or decide anything, and a debrief afterwards is essential. Our mature couple on the team shocked us when they said it got them talking more ! Even mature couples haven’t talked everything out in their relationship but swinging made them address a few hidden issues and more importantly solve them ! So get talking, keep talking, and live happily ever after.

silhouette of red girl on a line

2. Setting the swinging boundaries

Before you dip your toes in the swinging water and have your first swinging experience, it is vital to set some boundaries so that you can have some agreed limits about what is, and is not, acceptable.

What’s OK, what’s not  – in the swinging world?

Now obviously this is a little tricky because at the beginning you have no real idea what you will be OK with. You may think you are OK seeing your partner kissing somebody else, but when it happens you are not comfortable at all with that, and conversely something you thought would be completely unacceptable is actually a huge turn on for you. So, while you are new to swinging, to begin with you have to make your best guesses and adapt it from there as you go along. This does NOT mean that you have some boundaries and break them all on the night – swinger rules should be stuck to & if you want to change them you should discuss it when you go home & adjust it for next time.

Breaking your swinger rules

If you do end up breaking a rule / boundary ( it happened to all of us !) , then it´s time to chat and make up and discuss why you broke it. Find out how you both feel, observe and talk about how it makes you react. If necessary just not do that thing again (but think of it more as a lesson to be learned from, not a punishment that should hurt !).

Know the signs – how to make sure your partner is always happy.

Have some signs. We had an experience near the beginning where my wife suddenly freaked out in a foursome – something completely turned her off and she wanted to go. She was nipping at me to try to tell me she wanted out of there. We were all on the bed together and I was having a ball – on top that little nipping was the icing on the cake – so I completely misread her signs – ooops. You can just imagine the rant on the journey home ! Still, we learned that’s why people have actual signs, and get out words. So by all means have your signs  – something you do or say that is coded. You will need these more at the beginning, more to learn about each other. As time goes on, for sure it’s the woman who is in charge and the brave one that can say – nope, it’s just not working – at any point. That’s the great thing about swinging – everyone experienced knows – it’s ok to start and stop whenever you like, for whatever reason. That’s how open and easy it should be among consenting adults.

Swinging helps you to grow, learn, and compromise as a couple.

Communication will be the key to deciding if swinging will work for you – swingers communicate about 1000 times more than other couples, because they have to ! Boundaries might include things like – can you kiss other people, touch them, have sex with them, meet single partners, go out on your own, be in separate rooms, etc, etc. Over time, you will find what works for you both as a couple & this will inevitably still involve compromises, like everything in a relationship.

How often should you swing?

The man may want to swing weekly, the woman 6 monthly (or the other way around !) – so perhaps every few months is a good compromise. We have to say, from experience, that at the beginning you will probably want to do it a lot more ! Most swingers don’t want it to take over their life and be their only hobby, so going to sexy parties every now and then, or a holiday (see our travel section) with extra sexy benefits can be enough for some. Others don’t want to meet anyone locally, so going to a club in another location, or finding swingers travelling to your area is what works for them – use SDC or SpicyMatch websites to find out who is going where.

silhouette of red girl on a line

3. Do your swinging research !

There is so much information out there on swinging for beginners so it´s time to find out what you like & what will suit you both. Just as in any ´hobby´ there are so many ways to enjoy it so our advice is to try all sorts and see which are the ones that work for you.


Doing the admin.

We have all found that one half of the couple tends to do the admin. It’s not always the case, but most often its the guy that does it. It works well when one person is in charge and just checks with the other half before making any committments. Just put some time aside each day or two to sit together to chat or check stuff online.


Online swinging resources

Like everything online, it can be hard to know what is fact or fiction. But have a look at some documentaries, films or series to begin with.


Swinging communities

For real life swinging stories and information, the main sources of information are to look at swinging articles on the web or swinging websites like SDC, SpicyMatch, Fabswingers, etc. Many of the websites have a free trial period where you can read and learn, and there are also forums on reddit, etc that are full of swinger chat & advice about partner swapping.

We have found that free sites often provide a lot of time wasting, or show off unreal stuff. You need to get on the inside track, where the actual action takes place, and where you will see real life swinging. Within a community you can also talk to existing swingers – most of us on the team can remember starting as a swinger very clearly, and are very happy to help the more serious fully-subscribed newbies with advice.


Leave a comment

You may not realise the value of that now, but the beginning of swinging life can be a rollercoaster, so a lot of more experienced couples stay clear of newbies. We all remember it too well and want to be there for you so leave us any comments or questions at the bottom of this page. Also let us know when you join up and we can review your profile for you.

silhouette of red girl on a line

4. Join a swingers lifestyle community

This is where life takes off as a swinger. The swingers are a community, and their main bond or link with each other is online. As you grow as a swinger, you will find that you make friends all over the place. You will meet amazing open and friendly lifestylers that just don’t judge.  The online communities help you do that, and are a great place to keep in touch with each other.

People can start and stop in the swinging world, but stay within the community all the while.  It’s not all about sex, and they enjoy life, and are so easy to get on with. It’s a breath of fresh air being allowed to be tactile with each other, open about feelings, just being free.


Which swinging website ?

SDC allows you to become a trial member for 20 days for for and to access 95% of the site during that time. There are advice pages, blogs, and millions of profiles so that you can contact people. SpicyMatch is another more recently developed, great community. They also have a trial period. You’ll find links to both these on the side bar ( on the right side on a laptop, or at the end of the article on a mobile. )


Your swinging profile

Getting your profile right is key, so we have also written a specific blog post on membership. If you join using one of our links, we get notified when you take up a full membership (after your 20 day trial) so we can happily take a look at your profile and offer any tips & advice if you need it. We don´t see trial members so we can´t help until you sign up fully – sorry !

In fact, we decided to do more than that so read on, and click on to get lots more advice from us on how to make the most of a free trial on one of these communities.

silhouette of red girl on a line

5. Start with baby steps

Always work together and take the lowest common denominator route. When you start swinging, and you communicate a lot, you will find that you start to look after each other even more in your own relationship. Making sure you are both ok all along the way. Don’t be afraid to speak out.


Enjoy gaining confidence.

This is a very powerful hobby for women in a relationship. In all our experiences, we have found that swinging puts the woman in control more than in a non-swinging relationship. You get to say what you like and don’t like,  and can get to act out your whims, feelings, and fantasies ! For the man, there is nothing more sexy than his confident partner ! So everyone’s a winner.


Always work together.

It’s an adventure and it can be difficult to begin with , so take baby steps and feel your way. Find out what makes you like it or not like it, and work your way through things together.  


Test the water !

There are many ways to start swinging, but one of the first and safest feeling might be to have a meet-up with another couple. You could also attend a big group meet-up but these tend to be only advertised in the online web communities.  So, you’ve found someone online and you like each other. There seems to be a connection. Now for the thrilling first meet !


Don’t stress.

It can be daunting but please don’t stress. Everyone is in the same boat. It’s good to talk, so just take it at face value. When we all began we all went through these meet-ups. With some, we ended up with an exciting chase home or to a hotel room and it was brilliant. With others it was an obvious ‘not going to work’ from the get go. With others, we all took baby steps and tried to see how far we all got.


Live and learn.

After a while we realised, actually, the personality can be more important to the ladies so we had some surprising successes. So what we’re saying is  – go with an open mind. It’s hard enough for 2 people to get together and have the right chemistry, so don’t expect a foursome to get it right all the time. Everything can change in a moment, and it can all be about what head-space you are in – good or bad. Just never beat yourself up for any decisions you make. And, always do things only when you are both happy to.


Swinging gives you an endless wishlist of things to do in the bedroom !

Ultimately, we all found that swinging has made us happier with each other, more open, more comfortable with new experiences, more adventurous, and much better at sex ! 

silhouette of red girl on a line

6. Go to a swingers  / sex party

There are many clubs or organised parties that you can go to – websites like SDC, SpicyMatch, and Fabswingers all have listings.  There are many different types of people at these events and they are all looking for different things so strike up a conversation and find out how it works. Some parties are in regular clubs, others are one-off events – we have started a list in this blog post.


Watch, learn, and get turned on !

These will allow you to enjoy the atmosphere and simply watch what is going on. There is always a percentage of people there that go to watch only, and that’s as much of a kick as they need to add a spark to their sex life. Obviously there has to be a good number of people participating also, but there is no pressure to participate, and many people will be happy to chat about the lifestyle if you ask them.

Afterwards, it is vital to go home with your partner and talk, talk, talk. Discuss what you liked, what put you off, what terrified you, and how it has made you feel – these initial little steps, and how you handle them, will determine how successfully manage the swinging world.

Find what works for both of you.

For most of us, the first year was quite a roller-coaster trying sexy clubs, big parties, small parties, couples meet-ups, swingers resorts, etc.  It’s a complicated process and it can take a while to settle into.

silhouette of red girl on a line

7. Swinger expectations – learn to expect the unexpected !

For most people, the expectation is of something like the Eyes Wide Shut film where you attend a huge mansion, with handsome men in dinner jackets and gorgeous women in sexy dresses, glasses of champagne, etc, etc. Yes, whilst there are a few (very few) of these events that actually happen, (and we will write about them too !) , most of the time you will be in a nightclub type of environment or penthouse flat and the people will be just like you.


Who to expect

A recent survey in the USA found that 4.7% of the population were either swingers or had been swingers in the past – so you will come across teachers, doctors, lawyers, nurses, tall people, short people, old people, young people, etc, etc. The main common characteristics are that swingers tend to be open, positive and non-judgemental people who are very comfortable with their sexuality.


How you will feel

Swinging is mostly based on physical desires, so do keep an eye on your feelings & keep them in check ! Nobody is going to an event with their partner to look for a replacement person – we are all looking for a little extra present, but we love that we go home with our partners at the end of the night. Jealousy, or fear of losing your partner to somebody else is one of the most common worries for beginners, but don´t worry because nobody else is looking to take on your partner either !


What will happen

Beginners assume that their first time at a swingers club or party will be some sort of mass orgy, but swinging takes many forms. Some couples will stay totally on their own – enjoying the frisson of being in a sexy atmosphere together. Some couples will want to meet another couple, or a single man or a single woman for a threesome. Others are at the event to watch and indulge their voyeur side, or she will play and he will enjoy watching her play. And, yes, some go to have a fabulous carefree big orgy !

Perhaps surprisingly, kissing is sometimes quite a ´Marmite´ activity. For some couples (probably most), kissing is an essential part of the lifestyle, but for others kissing is too intimate and they will only kiss their partners.

Bi-sexuality between women in the swinging world is surprisingly common. We would say that around 80% of the profiles list the woman as bi-curious or bi-sexual. It is very common for women to start the action at a party and the men enjoy watching for a while before joining in. The non-judgemental nature of swingers does not, however, seem to extend to bisexual men. There are very few men that say they are bi-curious or bi-sexual, and generally male bi behaviour is not seen at events.

Don’t go out expecting something to happen with other people. It often doesn’t. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen, just remember to enjoy each other. It’s all about you as a couple, so make sure you have a good time, together, no matter what. Then when the unexpected happens, you will be ready and open to create memories that will make you smile forever !

silhouette of red girl on a line

To Sum up – how to start swinging

Knowing your boundaries in advance will allow you to navigate the evening in a successful way – it´s complicated, so a few rules will help the process for your first time swinging experience. And remember to check in with your partner all the time – just because you are having a great time doesn´t mean that they are… and the number one priority is your partner´s happiness. It is always good to have a code word that either of you can use if you want to stop or pause the action.

Swinging allows women to enjoy their sexual power and gives them the freedom to explore their sexuality. Let your man enjoy seeing you explore, conquer, and have the time of your life !

Let one of you take the admin control and be the swinging secretary. We know from our own experience and from all our friends that this works.  As mentioned before, it is very common for men to suggest the idea of swinging, but it is the women that very often take control of it and drive it forwards. Whichever way it works for you – together then you go forward.

Use each swingers party to test your boundaries, to find what you enjoy, to learn how to make the evening work for both of you, and to discover what makes you tick sexually.

Almost every couple has said that they can go out to a party, have sex with somebody else, and come back loving their own partner even more than they did before.

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