Swinging comedy

100 ways to know if you’re a swinger !

100 ways to know if you’re a swinger !

This list has been doing the rounds on the internet for ages – we saw it on SDC recently. Wish we knew who to credit for it!

These little swinger tell tale stories do bring a smile to everyone in the lifestyle… we all recognise more than a few of these.

 

 

You know you are a swinger if…

1.      You are wearing swinging-style coded wristbands in most of your vacation photos.

2.      Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.

3.      You are running out of reasons to tell your co-workers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.

4.      You have over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.

5.      You know most of your friends’ by their first names (Rich & Jen, Frank & Beth) but you don’t know
their last names.

6.     You have more lingerie than a hooker.

7.      You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
Conversely, after a wild night out, you literally don’t recognise someone with their clothes on next day !

Do this one now !

8.      You position the computer screen in such a way your children can’t sneak up on you.

9.      You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.

10.    Before traveling somewhere, you look up couples in that area.

11.   You worry about explaining to the neighbours why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon.

12.  Your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, and your first thought is ”With who?”

13.  Your gynaecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.

14.  Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.

15.  Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.

16.  Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”

17.  You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.

18.  You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome.

19.  The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.

20.  You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.

21.  You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is NOT “Playboy”

22.  The word “slutty” has become a term of endearment.

23.  You remember to bring lube before you remember to bring lipstick.

24.  Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.

25.  You’ve taken your Womaniser with you to a dinner party.

26.  The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavour to you.

27.  You bet your wife who can score first with that cute girl.

28.  You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.

29.  You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when it’s freezing outside.

30.  Your wedding reception has an after party.

31.  You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.

32.  You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.

33.  You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.

34.  You’ve invited friends over and made porn.

35.  You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s breasts.

36.  Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.

37.  You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.

38.  Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.

39.  A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.

40.  You believe in Unicorns… because you’ve actually ridden one.

41.  You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.

42. You take photos of yourself with your head out of the frames, on purpose.

43.  You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear tonight.

44.  You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… and your guest bed… and your couch in the living room.

45.  Every day is “Hump Day”, not just Wednesday.

46.  You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.

47.  You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.

48.  You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.

49.  You place an Ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”

50.  You choose furniture based on which best repels semen stains.

51.  The staffs at Hedo and Desire send you birthday cards.

52.  You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.

53.  The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives, even in summer.

54.  In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.

55.  You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.

56.  All of your vacation photos were taken inside your hotel room.

57.  You have free places to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.

58.  You’ve ended e-mails with “Bi-Bi”.

59.  You can expertly identify the differences between every type of breast implants.

60.  On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.

61.  You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.

62.  Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.

63.  The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.

64.  It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.

65.  You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.

66.  You actually installed a lock on a bedroom closet door that holds your sex-swing and other fun stuff.

67.  You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will turn on one of your home videos you forgot to hide.

68.  You make bets about how long it will take to “convert” your vanilla friend.

69.  You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.

70.  Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and decide …” Here’s how we know each other…”

71.  You start having withdrawals if the swinger’s web site is down.

72.  When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.

73.  You ask a guy to teach you “That thing you do with your fingers that my wife enjoys so much.”

74.  In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.

75.  You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.

76.  You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.

77.  The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.

78.  All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.

79.  Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.

80.  You’ve handed out business cards that have nothing to do with your occupation.

81.  Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!

82.  You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.

And don’t forget to do this one too !

83.  You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.

84.  You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.

85.  You own a double-headed dildo.

86.  You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.

87.  You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, lube and Red Bull.

88.  On vacation you set aside time to take pictures that are actually acceptable to show to your family.

89.  After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.

90.  You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.

91.  Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.

92.  The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.

93.  Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.

94.  On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.

95.  You tell your friends not to call while your parents are in town.

96.  You never make it to the drive-thru before they quit serving breakfast, on your way home.

97.  You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.

98.  You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.

99.  You spent twice as long on your profile than you did on your resume.

100. You laughed out loud at 25 or more of these!

These little swinger tell tale stories do bring a smile to everyone in the lifestyle… we all recognise more than a few of these.

Swingers Etiquette

or, 40 common decency guidelines to follow when having sex !

1) Not shaving

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s pain damn it !

 

2) Not kissing first

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out non-essentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!)

 

3) Blowing too hard in her ear

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

4) Squeezing her breast

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5) Biting her nipples

Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy is not.

6) Twiddling her nipples

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) Ignoring the other parts of her body

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) Getting the hand trapped

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) Leaving her a little present

Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) Attacking the clitoris

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, …. And remember .. It is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

11) Stopping for a break

Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) Undressing her awkwardly

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) Giving her a wedgie during foreplay

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) Being obsessed with the vagina

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) Massaging too roughly

You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) Undressing prematurely

Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

17) Taking your pants off first.

A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) Going too fast

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.

19) Going too hard

If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) Coming too soon

Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) Not coming soon enough

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) Asking if she has come

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask

23) Performing oral sex too gently

In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) Nudging her head down

Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) Not warning before you climax

Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what’s necessary.

26) Moving around during fellatio

Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) Taking etiquette advice from porn movies

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) Making her ride on top for ages

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) Attempting anal sex and pretending it was an accident

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) Taking pictures

When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) Not being imaginative enough

Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) Slapping your stomach against hers

There is no less erotic sound. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) Arranging her in stupid poses

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) Looking for her prostate

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don’t.

35) Giving love bites

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end…. and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) Barking instructions

Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) Talking dirty

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

38) Not caring whether she comes

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) Squashing her

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

 

40) Thanking her

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

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